Daniel’s Journal #26 – Dehumanizing Yourself to Feed the Ego of Others

“Is is what it is.”

“That’s the business for you.”

“The process was set up this way for a reason.”

Level with it all you want. Make excuses. Lie to yourself if it helps you deal with the stress and anxiety that comes with putting yourself out there as an asset, conforming your words to match what they want them to be, and making yourself a whore to the “business”.

Here’s one more quote of which I’m less-than-fond: “This isn’t what we’re looking for right now.” I’ve heard that a lot lately. I’m used to reading between the lines or hearing what’s not said. It’s more like this to me: “You’re not what we’re looking for. Period.”

Why judge me on a single piece of myself? Why ask for a personalized message of me begging for acceptance while refusing all the details? Why should I wait with bated breath while I’m ghosted?

My hopes were high. They really were. Those hopes were dashed, over and over again. But I learned something each time, every time I attempted to conform and put myself out there, posturing for an off chance at something I believed I wanted, deserved even. I’m wiser now. The truth was hard at first, but I’ve accepted it.

They should be sending me the requests. They’ve set themselves up as the prizes to some grand and overcomplicated scavenger hunt. Tell them the right things, and they’ll consider allowing you to continue the game. But they should be the ones hunting, not sitting around and waiting for us to crawl to them.

And they’re right, the ones who do take a peek. I’m not what they’re looking for, because they’ve willfully blinded themselves. The hard truth they don’t realize is that they’re not ready for me, not the other way around. They probably never will be either.

There’s no shame in turning my back to them and the pursuit in which I once put stock. What would they do with me anyway? They’d tell me to change, to pervert my vision, to stifle the images and voices in my head that have been so good and generous to me over the years. To conform.

I’ve wrestled with rejection and smiled after I was pinned. They broke me, but I’m far from defeated. I won’t dismiss my inner vision to conform to petty squabbling. You can keep your golden ticket. Give it to someone for whom you’ve been looking. I’m sure repurposing the same garbage will get you some money, you visionless hacks.

I’ll be on my own, doing it my way, with a shit-eating grin you will never see.

I’ll end this with one more quote:

“Fuck you.”

-Daniel Aegan
2/4/19

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