Pickup Truck Dealers Fed Up with Fetishists Ejaculating onto Inventory

Note: This story was rejected by mainstream media due to the graphic nature of those covered by this report. Reader discretion is advised.

East Haven, CT

Jebidiah Cole has sold pickup trucks and pickup truck accessories his entire adult life. He inherited Cole Trucks from his father in 2004 after he suffered a heart attack at a barbecue. Ever since, Jeb’s been the proud owner of the pickup empire his father had built.

“I felt like a prince taking over a kingship,” Cole explained, standing in a lot full of pickup trucks for sale. “Losing my father was harsh, but taking over the business was something I’d always wanted. Just wish my old man had handed me the kingdom instead of getting it during the reading of his will.”

“I love selling pickup trucks so much,” Cole continued after we told him to stop being such a buzzkill. “Seeing the faces of my customers light up with the joy of buying a new truck—whether they’re men or masculine women—always brings joy to my heart. I can see why Dad loved it so much.”

But Cole would soon discover the dark side of being a pickup truck dealer. 

“Jeb’s father shielded him from a lot of the shit that came along with the business,” Jillian Johansen, longtime employee of Cole Trucks said. “I mean, everyone knew what was happening, but we were all told Jeb didn’t need to be involved. Well, he found out what happens in this business the hard way. Boy, did he.”

“I was flabbergasted the first time it happened,” Cole said. “I had a customer in the lot, checking out a cherry-red Ford F-150. I thought the look on his face and the way he caressed the shining finish meant he wanted to buy it, and I hadn’t been prepared for what happened next.”

Cole looked away, swiping at his glassy eyes before he continued.

“The man pulled out the smallest pecker I’d ever seen and masturbated to completion right on the Ford’s grill.”

What Cole didn’t know till that moment was a pickup truck fetish had evolved in America. It had started as a culture of middle-aged men with small penises modeling their lives around pickup trucks they either owned or wished they owned. This soon became not enough, and pickup truck culture had turned into something darker and more insidious. 

“That’s the day I started regretting taking over the family business.” 

We spoke with Edward Gillian of Branford, CT—who asked to remain anonymous—about this phenomenon and his involvement in pickup truck fetishes or ‘pickupping’ as it became known as thanks to sites like FordChan. 

“We all start the same way,” Gillian explained. “I used to look up pictures of pickup trucks late at night when my wife and kids went to bed, masturbating quietly with my micropenis under my desk. It didn’t take long for me to want something more, though. Fantasizing over pictures wasn’t enough. I had to take it to the next level, and I found a whole community of people just like me.” 

Gillian referred us to sites on the dark web, dedicated to men with scraggly beards, cargo shorts, and novelty tee shirts who wanted the same as he did. They posted pictures of their handiwork, bragging about which pickup trucks on which they’d ejaculated, reveling in their disgusting actions. Some sites even had games for its denizens.

“I’m two trucks away from bingo!” Gillian bragged. “If I can pop my wad on a Dodge Ram and a Chevy Silverado, I’ll win a hundred dollar Burger King gift card!” 

Not all stories are as positive as Gillian’s self-imposed quest for a Burger King gift card. Some pickuppers have harrowing tales of how things can go wrong. 

“I like Fords for sure,” Timothy Guthrie told us. “Dodges are cool too. America first, baby!”

“I found a beauty of a Ford Maverick at a construction site,” Guthrie continued. “I couldn’t help myself. I pulled over, approached it, and started jacking my tiny peen with no regard for my surroundings.”

Guthrie didn’t consider the consequences for his disgusting actions. Four workers on the site jumped and proceeded to beat him. 

“I woke up in the hospital two days later with three broken ribs, five missing teeth, a dislocated shoulder, and a bruised spine. Of course, no one at the construction site saw anything. They claimed they found me lying there for no reason when they took their lunch break.”

Guthrie wasn’t the only one who suffered because of their involvement in pickupping. Michael Herbert lost his job after a video of him dry-humping a GMC Canyon in a Wal-Mart parking lot surfaced online and went viral. He asked not to be part of this article, stating he just started a new job and doesn’t need his past ruining his reputation as he tries to rebuild it. Many pickuppers face the stigma of being part of the community in their everyday lives when outed. 

“It’s not a perversion,” Gillain said after we admonished him for his perversions. “We can’t help it. We were born with an intense attraction to pickup trucks, and pickupping is the only way to satisfy that urge. It’s no different than any kink or fetish, and we’re hurting nobody.”

Gillian may believe that, but truck dealers like Jeb Cole would disagree. “It’s totally gross,” he replied when we played Gillain’s comments for him. “My employees have to clean that stuff up every time one of these pickuppers comes in and catapults their cookies all over my trucks. Imagine having to sell a truck to someone while you’re thinking about what some pervert did all over the hood the night before. It’s maddening!”

A week after we interviewed him, Jebidiah Cole was arrested for holding a pickupper party in the showroom of Cole Trucks with a group of men he met on FordChan. The police were called when a passerby noticed the men furiously masturbating around a black Ford F-350 Super Duty. Cole couldn’t be reached for comment, but we learned through social media that his wife left him with their three children and he closed his business after the embarrassing arrest and subsequent trial.

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