Stoned Tarot Readings

What’s our mission here at Stoned Tarot? Well, we smoke weed and read tarot, and we do it to make more weed money, creating a self-sustaining system. We have many spreads listed here, or you can request a custom spread via our contact form. We also do spreads to combat writer’s block or stifled creative flows. Use the contact link at the bottom to request a reading or tweet or DM us on Twitter.

Payment for readings accepted via PayPal or CashApp.

Classic 3-Card

Past/Present/Future

A regular past/present/future reading with a quick turn around time. Get your insight in triple form with this spread.

The Pre-Roll

For general advice

Looking for general advice or insight? Need a little info about a current issue or mental blockade? You need a pre-roll reading!

That’s Some Bullshit!

For help sifting the pile

We’ve all had to sift through it at some point. This spread is designed to help you with the steaming piles that drop into your life.

Bong Water

For clarity

What needs to be made clearer? What obstacle blocks your path that you need to be able to see to avoid? This reading is designed to show you that which you m ay have missed. It’s also great for writer’s block!

Reefer Madness

For chaotic periods

We all end up going through chaotic times. It happens to the best of us. The Reefer Madness spread acts as a diving rod to help you identify the cause and help you get through it.

Boiler Maker

For luck

Need a shot of good luck? This spread can aid you in finding it and discovering where it has been all along. Drop the shot and chug away! Your good luck is around the corner!

French Inhale

For recycling energy

What do you have that can be reused without discarding? What can still serve you in some other form?

Stems N’ Seeds

For help discarding

Sometimes we need to know what to discard from our lives. This spread can help you figure out what to toss out with the seeds and stems in life’s dime bag.

Munchie Mania

For manifestation

What do you want or need; but how do you get it, and what happens when you do? This spread will help you with manifesting and what to do in cases of overindulgence.

Puff Puff Pass

For non-romantic relationships

This spread can be used for any relationship issues that aren’t romance based. Friends, fuck buddies, frenemies, etcetera. This is good for guidance during a disagreement or just for a fun look at your twosome.

Reefer Romance

For relationship advice

Guest starring The Lovers! We seek their guidance to answer your burning, or smoldering, questions about romance. Also works well with platonic partnerships or those seeking advice on self-love.

Reefer Romance – Extended

For relationship advice

Some romances need a little extra advice, and the extended version of Reefer Romance brings an expanded viewpoint from The Lover’s four-tier advice structure.

The Devil’s Lettuce

For the shadow self

The Devil saw what the Lovers were doing in the Reefer Romance spread and wanted a piece of the action. Here, we ask the tarot’s mischief maker his advice on your shadow self.

This is not a reading for the faint of heart.


The Devil’s Lettuce – Extended

For the shadow self

Sometimes The Devil has more to say, and this spread expands on their advice on how to deal and incorporate your shadow self.

Wake N’ Bake

Daily one-card reading / end of week report

A daily card reading to start your day. Good for a full week. It’ll appear in your email or DM in the morning. On seventh day, you’ll get a report on the week and what it all means.

Seven-Point Leaf

For intuition and guidance

This is the big one. Seeking guidance and answers? This is a thorough and intuitive reading that askes the Muse and Oracle to answer in seven points. This one may take an extra puff or two.

Stoned Mistress

For answers

Meet the Stoned Mistress. Her spread starts with three cards and goes from there with no limit. This reading is intense and intuitive, so be prepared to be shown harsh reality. The Stoned Mistress has limited availability to read, so send us a message to inquire dates.

Retrograde Haze

Mercury can be a bitch

Communications and every day life in general is in flux when Mercury is in Retrograde. These periods can be hell on Earth. This reading is available during these times and is designed to help you through and come out facing a positive direction.

Blazin’ Birthday Bonanza

Smoke weed, eat cake

Get this reading for yourself or gift one to a friend! Find out what the cards have to say about how the last year of your life will prepare you for the upcoming one. It also includes a special birthday message from the ether!

Follow us on Twitter!

Follow, bother, and DM us through twitter for a reading. Or you can just tweet with us.

Email us!

Email us for a reading using our contact form. Please let us know which spread you’re interested in using and the best way to get in touch with you.